Thursday, August 21, 2008

To make her love me ?

You waved your hand and it was done
So let it be and there it was
A mountain, so high, it broke through, the sky
A canyon, so deep, it'll bring a man to his knees

I've seen what you can do
I've seen you make miracles and hopeless dreams come true
You've made the heavens and the stars
Everything, come on how hard
Could it be, To make her love me?

I've said some things I shouldn't have
Tried everything to win her back
I'm human, I messed up, Is she gone?, Are we done?
Forgiveness, another chance, that's all I want, it's in your hands

I've seen what you can do
I've seen you make miracles and hopeless dreams come true
You've made the heavens and the stars
Everything, come on how hard
Could it be, To make her love me?


To make her love me
To make her love me (oooo)

Came across this song from my friend's blog. The first time I listen to it, with the lyrics as well, tears flowed. In fact, it's still flowing right now.

Every single line of it, every single word of it, is so true and totally reflects my life.

You waved your hands, and I know, it's gonna stay like this. Like a canyon so deep, it's does really bring me down to my knees. I know you've tried your very best, in fact, more than that. But all I get is hopeless dream come true. You were my heaven and my stars, every single thing we went through was so hard I could barely imagine how hard was it, but still, why it is so hard for you to fall in love with me ? Yes I've said things that I shouldn't. I tried everything I could to win you back. Human make mistakes, I'm a human too and I made my mistake. And you're gone. Only that single mistake, would change so many things around. It does come out from me but deep inside my heart, I don't mean it. Mistakes mistakes mistakes. All I need is forgiveness, and another chance. But I know, I won't have another. Unless miracle happens, it's all depends on you. You know you mean a lot to me, you know I can't go on like this, you know I'm suffering, this is the only fact that I can never face it. Slowly crawling up ? Bullshit. I know myself the best. It's been more than a month yet I'm still like this. What the hell am I waiting ? I am waiting for something that wouldn't come. How the heck am I gonna face the faceless days ? Where is all my friends when I need them the most ? None is replying my messages. Damnit. You have many friends around, who could take care of you. There's no worries that you would not be okay. After all, the one who received the message would be the one that hurt the most. If you were me, you will know how bloody unsecure I felt and why does those words came out from me accidentally. People make mistakes accidentally sometimes. This could mean that if that someone does make a mistake in the future, you will do the same thing to that someone ? Think. I know you're decisions are tight. I can't do shit about it. Yes I was once the light, the stone, the protective gear, the comfort zone. In that moment, I have position. I did try my best but, I didn't get the best of you. Someone else does. If you know me well, you would know what I mean of this and you wouldn't simply judge on what I've said on this. Every ounce of me we're given to you. Not only you closed a lot of doors. I did the same thing. All that I've wished for, vanished in front of me just in the blink of an eye. I couldn't believe it ends so fast. People could wait for years, so do I. It's just the matter that do I have another chance to wait. Sigh.

Monday, August 18, 2008

The Number 13

This lil number over here, reminds me of ALOT of stuffs.

This number over here, has been following me since I was born. It is indeed my favourite number.

There are other special numbers to me but i chose not to flash back those numbers as I know, this is the most important number for me.

It has become a habit of mine thinking stuffs whenever I encounter this number every month. Not to say I didn't think on other days but I do think alot on this special day. It just past few days back, and it wasn't a very good day for me.

There are good things and bad things happened on this particular date. For your information, my birthday falls on this date, May 13th. This year, on my birthday, it was a very very special birthday for me. I was smiling every single second of it. I thought everything would be fine after this but it doesn't. All my hard work, all my faith, all my courage. Me believing that it would be worth it, stubbornness of not giving up, trying everything I could and most importantly, giving my 100%.

How do you felt when you gave your 100% and it doesn't bloom ? You even tried when you know the chance is merely 0.1%. I'm sure some of you have encountered this part of life and some of you haven't. It's my first time giving 100%, and I got to know that things are never gonna work anymore.

Yes, I know I need to get back up from this all by myself, and it's not an easy step to get up. If you have AIDS, you're gonna die. There's no way and there's no medicine that could cure you. Even if you got up, you would not be the one you used to be. It's gonna be different, might be good, might be bad. God knows.

As for me, I'm going to the bad side. Not a change on the outer side, but a huge difference on the inner side. Though I'm going into the bad side, but there's something good about it. I learn to see things differently, think about every corner before making a decision. This is what I gained after having so much stuffs happening to me previously. Still, I am slowly crawling up. Slower than a snail as I lost both my hands and legs.

Every night I lie down on my bed thinking that how could this happen. Every night I flash back alot of memories. Every night I mumble to myself. Every night I asked myself questions. Every night I hope for a friend who could give me a big warm hug. Every night, I would breakdown, and cry myself to sleep. When is this going to stop ? I don't know.

A friend of mine told me that she's enjoying her life over there and you're suffering. She's asking me to go on with my life and asked me to wake up.

Yes I am going on, but in a different way. But if you ask me to wake up, I still couldn't.

I have no idea what am I mumbling over here. It's just a sudden rush in me asking me to blog.

Will update when I can. Bye everyone =)

Friday, August 8, 2008

How's everyone doing ?


How's everyone doing ? Those closed ones, I know how you guys are doing.

Those not so closed ones, hope that you're doing good =)

Hi-Bye friends, wanna get closer ? Lol..

Clubbing friends, remember to call me ;)

Bastards ? Strangers that's pissing me off ? Go to hell.

I'm doing fine on the outside. Inner side ? Hmm not so...
Well, lots of things changed since few weeks back. Life changed, habit changed, everything changed completely. A total whole new world for me...again.

Weeks has been kinda hectic for me. Running here n there, having fun here n there. Hardly been at home nowadays, due to some stuffs. I'm just treating my home like a hotel. Came back bath, change, out, back, sleep and out.

Ever felt before that things are just gonna stay this way ? No matter you like it or not, it's just gonna stay like that till a time where you would be a totally different person, not the person that you know yourself in the past. Your perceptions towards things and people would change, the way you judge people would differ, and also, you are more careful towards everything that you do and decide. This is my second time feeling like this, and it's much more different than the first time. People just get more and more mature don't they ?

Some people see me as I'm a very childish person, and some just see me a very matured person and tend to seek advice from me. What for giving people advice when you don't listen to people's advice yourself ? Times like this would just make me shut my mouth. Not to say I'm cruel, but I'm nowhere to judge the situation when I can't handle mine myself.

I know for a fact that I can't get over it no matter what. It's just gonna stay here, like a tattoo, it's gonna stay there no matter you like it or not, even if you tried to wipe it off, you would only get scars. No matter how much people trying to give me advice, pour me with laughters, giggles and stuffs like that, I would still be the same when no one is around me. So, why worry that things gonna be better when you know that it's not gonna be 100% ?

There are things in life where you just have to deal with it. Face the fact. I know I couldn't wake up. I'm still dreaming, hoping, wishing and whatever you can mention. Slap me, punch me, screw me whenever you see I'm not okay. "No fuck, no wake up." I found the quote quite funny yet so true. Sometimes you just have to deal with things that you can't deal it yourself. You know that it's merely possible, yet you still hanging onto it. Once everything's gone, it's like, " Yeah you deserve it, told you not to hang on on the first place".

People always say, you deserve someone better and some say, there is still a whole bunch of jungle out there. What if I tell you, the one I found is the one I could never find it anymore in other places ? Trees are green in color, the one I found is full with colors. Do you find colorful trees outside ? No you don't. It's there once, but not now anymore. It's hard to believe that you found a colorful one at this age. I tried to hold on to it, waters it everyday, keeping it beautiful as always, make sure that it's healthy, even if there were someone out there whose trying to cut down the whole jungle, I would still be there to protect that lil precious tree.

I've learnt alot from this incident of mine. It's something that I would remember for the rest of my life, telling my kids and wife about it. Maybe if there's still hope, I wouldn't need to tell my wife about it. Lines that makes me ponder about. Everything would be kept in words, in minds, in papers, in pictures.

There is one thing I could do to fix myself. That's the last thing I wanna do. And doing that won't do any good to others too. I know people are concerned about me. I know you guys do. Thanks, I appreciate it.